Non-Violent Communication
Non-Violent Communication is a way of communicating that is designed to help people work together towards connection rather than argue and hurt one another. The system was developed by Marshall Rosenberg and is outlined in his book Non-Violent Communication.
Non-Violent Communication involves four basic steps.:
1. Identify the specific behavior in question.
2. Let the other person know your emotion as a result of this.
3. Communicate which of your needs is not being met (or being met).
4. Make a behavioral request of the other person that would help satisfy this need.
So let’s look at these steps in more detail.
1. Let the person know, what specifically in the here and now they did or didn’t do that caused you some distress (or happiness). i.e., “When you slammed the door…”, or “When you called me that name…”, not “You never care about me!” or “You’re always judging me!”
2. Let the other person know what your emotional reaction is to this behavior. For instance, “I felt hurt…”, or “I felt excited”, not “I felt judged”, or “I felt ignored”. This is a hard one for most folks because we’re used to sidestepping our actual feelings and putting the responsibility on the other person. “Mad, sad, glad. afraid” is a good starting point in identifying your emotions.
3. Identifying our needs is also tricky for some people. Many women especially have been socialized out of even recognizing their needs, Think—what need that I have is or is not being met here that is causing my emotional state? Is it a need for respect? A need for calm? A need to be held?
4. Finally, ask the other person for what you would like the other to do in order to get that need met. They may not be willing, but you have every right to try. This can be hard for some, It can be something as simple as “I would ask that we just talk about it” or “I would ask that we discuss this calmly rather than through shouting.”
I do know this is all easier said than done, and in the heat of the moment, all of this may go out the window. But with practice it can become second nature. Remember that we can also use this type of communication for positive situations as well. For example: “When you did the dishes I felt happy because I just need help sometimes. I really want to thank you!” Eventually, rather than a strict formula, it becomes more the spirit in which we communicate. I’ve witnessed over and over how Non-Violent Communication can help heal relationships. It can even help to ensure that we are living fully in the world by making our feelings, needs and desires known!