Carl Jung, one of the founding fathers of psychology, coined the phrase “The Wounded Healer”. This is the archetype of one who heals others and has been wounded in some way themselves. Many in the helping professions have had to work on, and overcome their own unique ordeals. Through their own seeking of healing, they become better equipped to help others. People can be better helped by those that have walked the path before them. Many psychologists and therapists fit this bill, but also doctors, nurses, and first-responders, to name just a few. I have met many throughout my life and career that have gone through childhood abuse, military PTSD, sexual trauma, and other challenges, and have dedicated their lives to healing others. Sometimes you might know them, other times you may never guess who has dealt with what pain in their lives. These healers need to take special care in maintaining their own well-being, as they can often be subject to higher levels of stress. Be sure though, these experiences can provide deeper compassion and empathy for those that work with the “Wounded Healer”.
Non-Violent Communication
Non-Violent Communication
Non-Violent Communication is a way of communicating that is designed to help people work together towards connection rather than argue and hurt one another. The system was developed by Marshall Rosenberg and is outlined in his book Non-Violent Communication.
Non-Violent Communication involves four basic steps.:
1. Identify the specific behavior in question.
2. Let the other person know your emotion as a result of this.
3. Communicate which of your needs is not being met (or being met).
4. Make a behavioral request of the other person that would help satisfy this need.
So let’s look at these steps in more detail.
1. Let the person know, what specifically in the here and now they did or didn’t do that caused you some distress (or happiness). i.e., “When you slammed the door…”, or “When you called me that name…”, not “You never care about me!” or “You’re always judging me!”
2. Let the other person know what your emotional reaction is to this behavior. For instance, “I felt hurt…”, or “I felt excited”, not “I felt judged”, or “I felt ignored”. This is a hard one for most folks because we’re used to sidestepping our actual feelings and putting the responsibility on the other person. “Mad, sad, glad. afraid” is a good starting point in identifying your emotions.
3. Identifying our needs is also tricky for some people. Many women especially have been socialized out of even recognizing their needs, Think—what need that I have is or is not being met here that is causing my emotional state? Is it a need for respect? A need for calm? A need to be held?
4. Finally, ask the other person for what you would like the other to do in order to get that need met. They may not be willing, but you have every right to try. This can be hard for some, It can be something as simple as “I would ask that we just talk about it” or “I would ask that we discuss this calmly rather than through shouting.”
I do know this is all easier said than done, and in the heat of the moment, all of this may go out the window. But with practice it can become second nature. Remember that we can also use this type of communication for positive situations as well. For example: “When you did the dishes I felt happy because I just need help sometimes. I really want to thank you!” Eventually, rather than a strict formula, it becomes more the spirit in which we communicate. I’ve witnessed over and over how Non-Violent Communication can help heal relationships. It can even help to ensure that we are living fully in the world by making our feelings, needs and desires known!
Conditions for Optimal Growth
Carl Rogers, the founder of Person Centered psychology discovered what he believed to be the “necessary and sufficient” conditions for human growth and development. Inherent in this viewpoint is a belief in our actualizing tendency. That is an indwelling and naturally striving towards wholeness and happiness. Granted at times, this tendency can be thwarted and that’s where the three conditions to support the actualizing tendency come in.
What are they?
1. Prizing, or Unconditional Positive Regard
This is accepting and prizing the individual for his or her own unique worth as a person. This is not a Pollyanna overlooking of faults, but it is a deep regard for the person, regardless of their flaws.
2. Empathy, or the ability to” walk in the shoes” of another
It’s important to try and understand and actually experience as much as possible what the other person is actually going through. It can also be important to express this understanding, to the best of our ability, to the other person.
3. Genuineness or “Congruence”
This is walking the walk, not just talking the talk. To be honest and genuine in each moment with the other person or people you are dealing with, even with your self.
Rogers believed that to the extent these conditions are present in our interactions and lives, people and organizations would naturally begin to move towards a flourishing. These conditions and practices have been experimentally verified, not only in counseling situations, but also in family relationships, education, social institutions, and politics. As a counselor, I try to use these principles as a basis for my work, and I have found these “necessary and sufficient” conditions very powerful.
Autism/Asperger's and College Students (for Parents)
First year college students on the Autism/Asperger’s spectrum often face difficulties adjusting to their new lives. Getting along with others and making friends can be a challenge. Negotiating college bureaucracy can be an issue. Dealing with professors who may or may not be willing to make necessary accommodations can be challenging. Coping with a new space and environment with all of it’s sensory input and different space can be problematic. Many students even have difficulty dealing with the bureaucracy dealing with college disability offices!
So what’s to be done? First, make sure you’re in contact with the college and the disability office before your student begins, and figure out what accommodations must be made. Take your student to visit the campus beforehand. Help them figure out where classes will take place and practice finding the proper rooms and buildings.
Now these suggestions are all well and good, but eventually parents will have to let go and let their student begin to deal with these issues on their own. So, what’s to be done? If at all possible, let your child begin to take on more and more responsibility in high-school. This can be something as simple as getting a part-time job, beginning to let your student “sink or swim” more often, and then process afterwards what worked and what didn’t in order to achieve their goal.
Once at college, parents need to let go as much as possible. Your student most likely is a legal adult by now and parents’ input can oftentimes feel like “interference” to college advisors and set you at odds with the system. Teaching the student ways to regulate emotion is key. Also, having your student if possible advocate for themselves in finding the right accommodations. If possible allowing for time-outs during classes if necessary, and of course extended test-taking time in a separate room (although this isn’t always the only answer). Remember the college is not obligated to make any accommodations beyond those that are “reasonable”. Reasonable can vary from school to school and from instructor to instructor. Again early preparation, emotional regulations skills, and early exposure to gradually increasing self-reliance early on can go a long way.
The Eight Senses, Autism, and PTSD
We all know the five senses taught to us in school: sound, sight, hearing, touch and taste. but there are three missing from this list. These are proprioception, interception, and vestibular. Proprioception is a sense of one’s body in space. Interoception is the sense of what’s going on inside our body. Vestibular has to do with balance and the movement of our body through space. These three senses can have profound implications for autistic people and those dealing with PTSD (these conditions often go hand-in-hand). Let’s explore how these additional senses can affect people.
Proprioception—one’s sense of self in space, can impact those on the autistic spectrum. Oftentimes autistic people lose a sense of themselves in relation to the world. Very often this results in overwhelm and a need to “stim”. Stimming can be behaviors, movements, and sensory seeking to help feel grounded in space. For those dealing with PTSD, symptoms can include dissociation, depersonalization, and a feeling that things are unreal. These folks often need practice in “grounding”, the ability to feel solidly in the present. This can be as simple as planting one’s feet firmly on the ground and breathing.
Interoception also plays a role for autistic people. We experience emotions in our bodies first. Many times those on the autistic spectrum have difficulty with feeling emotions in a bodily sense. In addition, they may have issues recognizing when they are hungry, or even if they are in internal pain. For those suffering from PTSD, there is often a disconnect from their bodies. This isn’t necessarily a conscious choice, but to connect with the body means to feel the emotions trapped inside. “What the mind forgets, the body remembers.” This is why trauma must often be dealt with through bodily expression.
The vestibular sense can impact our balance and motor planning. Also, many times people who like to rock or spin are seeking stimulation in the vestibular realm
These often overlooked senses—proprioception, interception, and vestibular—can greatly impact those dealing with autism and PTSD, and they can also provide real insight into one’s lived experiences.
"How Do I Deal With Someone On The Spectrum?"
I had the privilege to give a talk today at a major research institution about high-functioning Autism/Asperger’s in the workplace. One question that I’m frequently asked is “How do I deal with someone on the spectrum?” Many people are at a loss, confused, or sometimes even frightened by dealing with autistic people. So my short answer is: “Treat them like a human being.”
I’m not trying to be a flippant with that response, I mean it. I once asked a 14- year-old autistic boy what he would most want me to know in working with people on the spectrum. Without missing a beat he said, “We’re just like anyone else, we’re just quirky!” That may seem to avoid the question for some, but here’s my two cents:
A little open honest communication can go a long way. In some sense you may have to “translate” for the benefit of the autistic person what you are trying to communicate and trying to understand. And vice-versa, the autistic person may have to make their needs known in order to begin communication. However, you may want to help them convey their needs. Many on the spectrum are easily overwhelmed at times. In addition, they may be used to being dismissed, even bullied. It can be as if two people who don’t speak one another’s language are trying to communicate. By starting from a place of compassion and trying to understand one another, real connections can be made.
Anna Growing, Kat helping
Kat-Kat
Today I was honored to witness something amazing. Anna (not her real name) is a 7-year-old girl who is autistic and mostly non-verbal. She has been working with Ruth and the staff at Equine Spirit Sanctuary for a couple of years now. Today she was riding Kat, our star program horse, on what was to be Anna’s last session of the season. Then something remarkable happened. Anna was able to finally ride with her side-walkers only loosely holding on to her safety harness and eventually at times letting go completely. Of course, this was done very carefully and they still were very much close enough to hang on if she lost balance. It was apparent that Anna was thoroughly enjoying her time on Kat. She would hold up her arms and move them about in a sort of “victory” position, making subtle verbalizations. At one point she even reached down to stroke Kat’s neck. It was obvious to me that a whole spirit was very much alive in this little girl, despite the limitations of her little body and language. Perhaps this seems like only a small victory, but it was huge. The joy emanating from Anna was unmistakable. A powerful shift had occurred.
PTSD As A Whole Body Reaction
Many people don’t realize that our reaction to Post-traumatic Stress largely takes place in our bodies. Our innate “fight/flight” mechanism takes control when we are faced with a traumatic event or ongoing trauma. Despite the name our, fight/flight system also encompasses more than those two reactions—there also is shutdown and in some circumstances an urge to connect and take care of others. In the face of overwhelming stress we can fight if we can, escape the situation if we can, but many times all we can do is shut down. This in effect leads to that traumatic fear and energy trapped in the body. Traditional talk therapy has focused on reliving the trauma and re-framing it. This can be tricky because there can be a danger of re-traumatizing the client. Recent research is showing that more bodily and experiential approaches can be incorporated in dealing with PTSD. This can include something as simple as breathing exercises, to therapies such as EMDR, Equine Assisted Therapy, Yoga, Martial Arts, etc. I have used many of these modalities with clients to great success. Talking can be important, but so can breathing, moving, and ultimately living freely.
Autism In The Workplace
Latest estimates show that approximately 1 in 50 people are on the autistic spectrum. Other estimates show that up to 90% of autistic people are unemployed! I’ve worked with those that are skilled or lucky enough to obtain gainful employment, though this comes with challenges everyday in the workplace.
One issue is that many folks on the autism/Asperger’s spectrum struggle with sensory hyper-sensitivities. This can manifest as sensitivity to sounds, lights, smells, to name a few. With new open floor plan offices, many on the spectrum become easily overwhelmed. Imagine people talking loudly to one another either in person or via telephone, now imagine this amplified at least ten-fold. It would be torturous for anyone, let alone an autistic person. Some struggle with fluorescent lights, they are able to hear the hum and see the flickering of these lights and this can cause overwhelm and even physical symptoms. Computer screens can be another issue as well. People wearing perfumes can also stress those on the spectrum.
So what are some possible solutions? Ideally a separate workspace accommodation, if that isn’t possible some folks use headphones, either noise-canceling or music that helps to sooth or block out extraneous sounds. If possible some can work in darkened rooms. Also, there are various glasses and filters available to cut down on the impact of computer screens. In addition, if possible some who are autistic do well with old-fashioned paper documents. Sometimes the best solution is simply to let the employee work remotely from home.
People on the spectrum can have so much to offer an employer. With some simple adjustments both the employer and employee can benefit. Once again allowing both the company and the worker to succeed!
Mattering and Horses
I recently finished up conducting a small intensive retreat. One of the themes that came up was the feeling of mattering to others in this world. In working with horses, clients learn that they do indeed “matter”. Through the simple act of grooming and taking care of a horse, one gets immediate feedback about their importance. The horse “appreciates” the care and attention. Through other healing modalities, as well, people learn that they have the power to impact, to help heal others. Many of us have been through hard times, perhaps even traumas. At Equine Spirit Sanctuary we work with many traumatized and abandoned horses. Clients quickly learn the impact they can make with these fellow survivors, and I believe the horses can in some sense realize the healing that they can provide. Horses can mirror what we are feeling and dealing with. The presence between horses and humans can be transformative!
Creativity and the Body
People generally assume that creativity is an activity of the brain, the mind. In my work with clients, workshop members, and my own experience I believe that conceptualization is too limiting. Yes, you could compose a piece of music, a novel, a painting using only your conscious “mind”—but would it be to your liking? Would it reach the heart of your audience and even yourself? Through the work I’ve done, I’ve realized that some of the deepest most creative work and performance comes from deep within the wisdom of the body. This can be explored through movement, mind/body visualization, and art itself, to name just a few. If we let the body’s wisdom speak to us through feeling, sensation, and imagery true creativity can flourish. I believe there is a call for us to create—that it is necessary for people to create, otherwise how do things change in individuals’ lives, communities, and the world at large? Our bodies respond at every moment with our environment —internal and external. Let your body create!
Healing Through Horses
Hope and Cisco showing some love.
I’m generally not a horse person, but last summer that changed. My wife and I discovered an amazing place in Taos, NM called Equine Spirit Sanctuary (ESS) . There, I got to experience first-hand the power of the horse. I know this will sound strange—when I first put my hands on a particular young horse aptly named “Hope” I felt an “electricity” I can’t explain, the feeling stayed with me for the rest of the day. By the way, Hope is a rescue horse that was attacked by wild dogs as a baby, she wasn’t supposed to make it. But through the loving care of Ruth, the woman who runs ESS, she is now a relatively healthy proud princess. As the horses heal, so do the people. Working with horses to help heal and facilitate growth has been an accepted practice for many years now. People with autism and Asperger’s find a way to calm their often overwhelmed sensory system to improve functioning. One autistic young man I recently spoke with said that working with the horse helped him to establish empathy. He said that he needed to be attuned at all moments to the needs and temperament of the horse. Many people say that autistic people lack empathy—this is not true! In addition, Equine Assisted Psychotherapy can be a powerful way for people with PTSD to heal. Whether these are veterans of war or victims of domestic violence, working with horses can provide a calming and safe space for healing. These folks have said that a horse was the first “person” they could trust. How all of this happens is yet to be scientifically explained for the most part, but it does seem to work. I was in a workshop recently where the issue of scientific proof came up. I found myself saying, “You can’t measure magic!”. I don’t know how scientific that statement was, but it seemed to fit.
Respect For People On The Spectrum
My fundamental approach to working with people on the Asperger’s/Autism Spectrum is to allow them to be themselves and to provide a relationship in which their differences are accepted and even celebrated. People on the Asperger’s/Autism spectrum are not defective and do not need to be “cured”. Yet, there are specific issues that can be addressed in therapy/coaching and may need to be. These include: emotional regulation, stress reduction, self-esteem, and interpersonal relationships, to name a few. Oftentimes well-meaning therapists and others who care for people on the spectrum focus on forcing the individual to fit within a certain mold. This can lead to increased stress, poor self-esteem and actually a decrease in functioning. By treating folks on the spectrum as actual people with unique needs, abilities, and characteristics, they can begin to flourish.
